The one with all the feels

When I was 24, my world was in shambles.  I was drinking to excess, partying like there was no tomorrow, and avoiding all responsibility.  I got fired from a really good job that I was miserable at.  I had Adrenal Disease and Alopecia and was completely bald.  I had a relationship with someone I had no business being in a relationship with and it was completely tumultuous.  I spent six months unemployed.  I was broke, I was fighting unemployment, my car which I'd just paid off died and I was relying on friends for rides anywhere and everywhere.  All of that led me to drink more and party harder.  

I finally accepted a $10/hour job because there was nothing else out there and I was desperate.  I was told it would be an 8 week temporary assignment and that there was no hope getting hired on full time because the lady I was covering was on maternity leave.  

In those 8 weeks, I revamped all of the companies spreadsheets, helped organize files, learned some new things in the quality department and started doing inbound inspections and soaked up everything I could. Seven weeks into the temporary assignment, I was hired full time and given a $1.50 raise!  

My boss was awesome.  He was young and liked the same music I did.  The quality supervisor was awesome and quickly became my best friend, which he remains to this day.  8 months into the job, they offered me a supervisor/management position... in California.  3,000 miles from home.  I looked around at my life and knew I had to take the opportunity!  So three months later I packed up my belongings and flew, one way, to Fresno, California.  I met many struggles managing that warehouse and those employees.  I fought battle after battle.  I accomplished so many things.  I made amazing friends.  But 22 months later, I decided that journey was over.  I had a going away party full of employees who told me I had made an impact in their lives, and they had collected money to get me a Go Pro Hero 2, they had JUST been released!  It was extremely touching.  I moved back to Ohio at my request and the company made a spot for me to manage a department. We opened a warehouse in Hong Kong and management picked ME to go train!  How lucky was I?  I got to go with two of my favorite colleagues and explore the other side of the WORLD.  Things were going great.  I had a department of 32 guys, most of them 18-22.  We had fun, but we worked hard.  I tried to instill in them what I had instilled in the group in California but it was not the same.  These kids in Ohio were disrespectful, they were careless, they were fed from silver spoons at home so this job did not matter.  I moved out at 17 and never knew another life.  These were 22 year olds who still lived in their childhood bedrooms.

In July of 2013, I had to fire my four favorite employees.  It was really hard for me.  I knew it was the right thing to do, they had broken some major rules, damaged property, and posted all of it on social media.  The stress this caused me was ridiculous. I felt like a failure, like I couldnt fix them.

I bid on a corporate quality position in November of 2013 and have been there ever since!  I have built my department of only 5, all of whom are scattered across the country and report to me remotely.  We work hard, are successful, have time to be silly and I truly enjoy the work.

Last night I got this text message out of the blue, from one of the four employees i'd fired over two years ago. 

It was great to hear from him, he had always been my favorite and I had worked so closely with him.  I smiled, relaxed and thought about what changed my mentality towards my professional life and it was truly rock bottom that changed mine.  I hate that I had to fire them to show them the light and I hate that I had to get fired to be shown the light, but I am glad that we have grown up.  And I am glad to have played even a small role in that part of his life.  I know he is going to go on and do great things and I will still be here, working at the company that gave me the opportunity to grow up and do great things, honored to have had a small part of his world.

My break is over... I better get back to work!  

The one with no regrets

I had a really good friend over this week, she's had some medical issues and had to stay at her parents house so it was helpful to get out of the house!  Jack had a massive crush on her and stared her down the entire day, she was new and exciting and he loved it!  After shopping, we headed back to my house and sat on the patio and drank some oktoberfest beers.  She asked me while we sat there if I wished that we had more time as newlyweds, and to be married without our son.

I didn't know how to answer. 

Was it nice when we could just pick up and go out to dinner? Absolutely!  Did I love when we could decide to do absolutely nothing all day and stay in pajamas?  Sure!  Did I like having sporadic intimate moments and not putting the baby to sleep and RUSHING to be close for as long as he will stay asleep?   Who wouldn't?  (I found out the next day that I also liked being hungover without having to care for a tiny human too!)

But none of that even remotely compares to life now.  Now we can't just rush out to dinner, but we put Jack in his high chair and he watches me cook with this look on his face like I am doing the most amazing thing he has ever seen.  I turn around and kiss his nose and we all laugh. There is never a day we don't do anything... we always have something to do because we have an almost six month old who wants to see and do everything.  We get to watch him see and do everything for the very first time, and it is incredible!  Intimacy isn't sporadic anymore, but it's so much more special.  I've never loved my husband the way I do now.  Seeing him as a father is the most romantic thing he has ever done! We cherish the moments we do get together because they're fewer.

Before I met my husband, I thought I was happy.  I thought that going out with girls, spending massive amounts on cocktails and bar food was the LIFE!  I thought being young, single and traveling was a BLAST! I thought for sure that that was the time in my life I'd look back on and think "Man that was the life."

I was wrong.  This is the life.  This is the life I will look back and remember.  The time I spent as a newlywed picking my babies nose on two hours of sleep and two gallons of caffeine.  That was the best time.

The one where I act like a third grader

There have been a lot of women throughout my pregnancy that told me "Just wait until you see your husband with the baby, you will fall even more in love".  It was 100% true.  The second I saw him holding our son, my vision of him changed forever.  He is still the amazing, strong, hard-working, sexy hippie that I married, but now he has this touch of softness and gentleness to him that just GLOWS.  He is a very hands on father.  My mom has commented how refreshing it is to see him so involved.  Has changed a million diapers, wakes up for night feedings without hesitation, dives in for bath time, he has done every thing I have done.  We are very equal partners in parenting.

The two of them are attached at the hip and I couldn't be happier to have a husband that is capable of being a father that my son adores.  I know I am the luckiest woman alive and even having this conversation right now is berserk. After a long hard day at work, I usually drive to my mothers to pick my son up.When he hears my voice he will crane neck until he finds me and then he air-swims arms and legs moving like crazy and squeals when I pick him up.  This week, his dad is home with him.  When I get home, I go to pick up Jack and he starts to cry.  He will SCREAM until I hand him back to his dad.  And it breaks my heart.  Am I jealous?  I guess so.  I want to be that person that my child needs for comfort.  I want him to see me after a long day apart and get excited no matter who is holding him.  I had joked this weekend that the definition of MOM in our house is "A placeholder until dad is no longer busy" and we all laughed, and then this week I realized, it's just not always funny.  I sometimes need him more than he needs me and I have to find a way to cope with that because in no way does my 6 month old son mean any ill will towards me.

When I get upset about this, my husband has no clue how to respond.  Of course he's thrilled to be the one Jack wants.  He is beaming with joy when Jack reaches out for him.  But my husband is the most caring and sensitive husband so he tries to console me and push our son towards me and it just isn't happening this week.  Tomorrow my husband goes back to work and I am off for four days with our son. (We did not have a sitter this week).  I am praying that the days go smoothly without dear dad and I will go back to being relieved when he reaches for his dad after a long day of bouncing, feeding, playing and Jungle Junction.

Seriously. How cute are these two?  I look at these pictures and everything I just typed sounds nonsensical and ridiculous.  How could they not be best friends? They're adorable and hilarious and why would they not be each others favorite?  What did I do that should make me number 1?  My husband is an equal player here.  All of this weighed on my mind all evening last night.  I teetered between sad and rejected to mad at myself for acting like I was eight years old.  And then it was bath time. I started to take note as I was the one who cleaned his ears (which he hates), I dried him off after I took him out of the tub (both of which he hates, the end of water time and the towel part) I trimmed his nails (which he hates), I put on his eczema lotion (which he hates), by this point he is so agitated that he screams as I button up his pajamas.  This is our routine every night.  Then his adoring father swoops in, picks him up from the changing table and the two of them go off into the night while I clean up.

No wonder he likes his father better.  The two of them play while I finish cleaning up. During bath time his dad plays with the rubber ducks and makes the wash rags make a waterfall while I clean every nook and cranny.  The two of them hang out in the back yard while I make breakfast, lunch, dinner.  My husband is very hands on.  For all of the fun stuff.

I am just going to have to accept my role as second fiddle and know that everything I am doing is what needs to be done to keep the household afloat and it's not always glamorous.  And there's not always smiles.  But when I sneak up on moments like this, everything is okay:

Plus, look at what this big kid finally learned to do this week!  I am so proud and look forward to him getting a little more mobile!  Everyone says I am crazy and to enjoy them being little but so far this almost 6 months age has been my favorite. He's interactive, learning more, sleeping better, and eating great with a proper digestive system.  I love watching him learn and do more.  I'll miss baby snuggles of course, but for now, look out world, Jackson is on the move: